Self-confidence is a funny topic. We all know that we should have it, and most people think that they have it, yet a small percent of people actually possess true self-confidence. Worse, many people put on a mask of bravado and confidence to compensate for their low self-esteem.
A lot of the time, it might appear that confidence is like a magical potion that only a small amount of people own. The people that have confidence are divine and have been blessed by the Gods with the power that many people wish for.
This — of course — is not true. Confidence is a complicated subject, and in order to know how to gain confidence, we first must understand what it is.
What is confidence?
Confidence isn’t about being bravado, or faking it until you make it, or thinking you can do something when you really can’t. Most of the time, this is confidence disguised as ego. And we don’t want ego, we want confidence.
Confidence is being okay with failure, knowing that it doesn’t define who you are.
A person who is confident is going to take risks. They are going to try new things. They are going to speak up when they have something to say. They aren’t going to care what other people think of them. They are going to do all of these things because no matter what happens, a person who is confident is okay with the idea of things not going well. They are comfortable and secure with who they are, so failure doesn’t deter them.
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that confidence comes from success. This is not true. While success can make you more confident, it is not a prerequisite for self-confidence.
It may seem backwards, but confidence is much more about your relationship with failure than it is with success.
Confidence is knowing that you can miss a shot and still be an effective player. Confidence is knowing that you can lose some money and still be a great investor. Confidence is knowing a single loss doesn’t make you a loser.
Understanding self-awareness
Just like we all think that we have self-confidence, we all also think that we are at least somewhat self-aware. However, in most cases, this just isn’t the truth. A lot of people are slaves to their impulses without even knowing it.
We are all impulsive, it is just part of being human. But being self-aware is realizing that you are an impulsive being.
Being self-aware is about understanding your own bullshit. It is about understanding who you are and why you make the excuses that you make for yourself.
You see, most of the time, you are your own worst enemy. A lot of the time, your own mind tries to convince you to metaphorically stay under the covers and cozy up bed instead of actually living and taking risks. Or, you rationalize your failures by putting blame on others.
A person who isn’t self-aware will spend all day scrolling through Twitter and watching YouTube without understanding why they are participating in these behaviors. A person who is self-aware will do the same thing but realize that they are doing this to avoid work, or because they don’t want to have that difficult talk with a coworker. The self-aware person is more likely to be conscious of their behaviors, while a person who isn’t self-aware will never examine their behaviors.
Self-awareness is understanding who you are, why you do what you do, why you feel certain emotions, and what you lack.
Confidence + Self-Awareness = ?
We all have fear. There are things that we all need to do on a daily basis that are straight up scary as hell. Whether it is stepping in front of a big group and giving a speech, or approaching an attractive stranger, or starting a new job. These are things that I am sure we have all shied away from at one point or another.
These types of fear are pretty irrational when you think about it.
In a previous article, I called this type of fear the fear of social consequence.
Basically, the fear of social consequence is the fear of doing anything that could make you stand out or feel vulnerable.
It is a type of fear that has stopped countless people from reaching their goals and living the life that they want.
However, there is a minority of people that have been able to successfully defeat the fear of social consequence. These people that have slayed this dragon had two things: confidence and self-awareness.
They have the confidence to take a risk, knowing that things could end up badly. But they also have enough self-awareness to understand the excuses that they make for themselves.
Security in who you are
In this modern era, so many people are lacking security in who they are. They attempt to cover up their imperfections and hide their insecurities. They do this because they care more about the opinion of other people about them then their own self-perception.
It doesn’t matter what you do or who you are, you need to become secure in who you are. You need to invest in yourself before you invest in others. You need to place more importance on how you view yourself, rather than caring too much about the opinions of others. This is what you should aim for.
Now I am not going to lie. This is difficult to do. It takes a lot of work to develop a character that you are proud of and confident in.
However, if you can’t find a way to be comfortable in who you are, then you are always going to feel inadequate. No amount of social approval, money, or professional success will fix your problems or make you feel whole. Only you can do that.
A person who has the rare combination of Confidence, self-awareness, and security in themselves will take risks. They won’t care about what other people say. They will probably fail — maybe more often than they succeed. But they will be okay with this because they know that their missteps don’t define them.